WHAT A DIFFERENCE

1974 - Moving to California because it is cool
2004 - Moving to California because it is warm

1974 - Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2004 - Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1974 - Being called into the Principal's office
2004 - Calling the Principal's office

1974 - Long hair
2004 - Longing for hair

1974 - The perfect high
2004 - The perfect high yielding mutual fund

1974 - KEG
2004 - EKG

1974 - Acid Rock
2004 - Acid Reflux

1974 - Growing pot
2004 - Growing pot belly

1974 - Seeds and stems
2004 - Roughage

1974 - Hoping for a BMW
2004 - Hoping for a BM

1974 - The Grateful Dead
2004 - Dr. Kevorkian

1974 - Going to a New Hip Joint
2004 - Receiving a new hip joint

1974 - Rolling Stones
2004 - Kidney stones

1974 - Screw the system
2004 - Upgrade the system

1974 - Passing the driver's test
2004 - Passing the vision test

1974 - Peace sign
2004 - Mercedes logo

1974 - Taking acid
2004 - Taking antacid

1974 - Hot Pants
2004 - Depends adult diapers

1974 - Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2004 - Children begging you to get their heads shaved

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25 Signs You Have Grown Up

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge
4. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator
6. You watch the Weather Channel
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up"
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes any more
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 pm
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff"
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again"
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you

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You Know You're Getting Old When...

• You know all the answers but nobody asks you any questions
• A fortune teller wants to read your face
• You finally get it all together, but can't remember where you put it
• You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere
• You look forward to a dull evening
• You join a health club and never go
• You need your glasses to find your glasses
• Your knees buckle, but your belt won't
• Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot
• You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along
• You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
• "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today

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Middle Age

• Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall our, or spread out
• There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget
• Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun a lot more work
• Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
• You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you
• By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere
• Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle
• You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise
• Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
• The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress
• You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot
• You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started
• The cardiologist's diet - if it tastes good, spit it out

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Terms Have Changed

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And RAM was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was for a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead

And finally,

What's the best form of birth control after 50?

Nudity

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